Why I started a blog section
I've been wanting to start a reflection page for the past 3 years when I first started inwarmregard, to share my learnings and reflections along the way. But I always waited and felt that what I wanted to say will perhaps be more credible after I've gained more success.
Until today, I'm finally starting this not because I think I'm successful now, but that I'm beginning to think my mind is starting to atrophy. Be it through the lack of exercising it in a particular manner or because of my self-fulfilling prophecy. In any case, I thought it would be wise to start using it.
Besides, I have never wanted to be "correct", I only ever wanted to be valuable. And providing value, either through art or words, is never about going viral, or being acknowledged by big brands. Its actually just me practising getting better at expressing myself. In that way, people and especially myself gets more clarity about my innermost thoughts - hopefully valuable at all.
Some may disagree, but I believe our innermost self presents the purest part of ourselves. There's a lot of wisdom if we are able to present our inner voice which is usually dormant unless there's been a consistent effort to engage with it.
Recent reflections
In 2025, I've had many major brands for collabs - these used to be dreams so wild I would cringe to even have the audacity to fantasise about it. As someone who's never really had any success in life - mediocre at best, in most things I've attempted, having these opportunities are truly a huge deal for me.
It changed my frame of mind: "I'm acknowledged", "My designs must be good", "People would notice me after the launch" etc. It felt good to have a credible entity quiet down my self-doubts. So, I wanted more.
Hungry Ghost
And that's how I start to turn into a hungry ghost. I was introduced to this concept few years ago from reading the book <In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts> written by Dr. Gabor Maté - an expert on trauma, addiction and childhood. The book instil in me a philosophy theory - addiction is us compensating for an emotional deficit during childhood. Some people turn to drugs, to gambling or even to becoming a workaholic - all these to soothe a psychological pain that one probably isn't conscious of.
Fear of losing acknowledgements
To feed this need for acknowledgements, or rather out of the fear of losing it, I expected a lot from myself. These come in the forms of 1. underestimating the time and effort needed to complete something, 2. over compensating "my not good enough" with extreme working hours, 3. overthinking about what people may want instead of just doing what calls out to me, 4. grasping on to things too tightly. Indeed, I did felt like a hungry ghost - a bottomless pit.
It's never enough
That's the thing about addiction, like a hungry ghost - it's never enough. I fell into this rabbit hole of needing more and more. More perfection, more productivity, more personality. I can feel myself spiralling out of control. Once, there was a shipping issue and I couldn't meet the deadline. It totally unravelled me - I was on edge, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and I couldn't think clearly. I truly felt like it was the end of the world. In this overwhelmed, depressed and panic state, yet I could not breakdown as I still need to get massive amounts of work done, the only thing I could do was to ingest something that could give a quick fix.
Harming my body
Advertised as natural, I had ashwagandha pills for a week or so. I evidently see the stability in my mood very soon. This is the first time I had to eat something to control my internal state. But I also start to have side effects after days - dizziness and bleeding (unusual spotting). There are other side effects experienced by others - I vowed to never touch it again. Ironically, I had it to prevent any harm done to myself, yet the pills were obviously harmful to my body.
Once again, I was disappointed in myself. In my heightened state, I thought to myself - not only could I not handle stress, I abused myself by overworking, and now I've brought harm.
Consequences
This addiction went on for a few months. Because of this idea of "not enough" and over compensating, I was majorly burnt out. Yet I kept accepting jobs that came my way, even while depleted. It was second nature to think these jobs and the acknowledgements that comes with it could fill this sense of lack. I started to resent myself, "help, I'm really tired here, stop working".
Childhood
Like what my therapist, Judy, and Dr Maté suggest, it all boils down to our childhood. I've known for a few years now, that my lack of self-belief / self / self-confidence is due to lack of acknowledgements while growing up. It was very challenging, we were all in survival mode, everyone's emotional needs were neglected, during this tumultuous environment we live in. I also know what I'm suppose to do - to reparent my inner wounded child. And that's the struggle right, falling right back to addictions is easier than doing the real work.
In warm regard?
It takes a lot of patience, compassion and mindfulness to always hold yourself in unconditional warm regard. What does that really mean in practice? What's more obvious is to stop the inner critic and talk to yourself kindly. But what's underneath it is also the daily conversations with your inner child. "Good morning", "How are you?", "You did well".
Inner Child
I'm terrible at reading words, but I'm excellent at visualising images. When Judy guides me to visualise my inner child, and whatever she's doing, I was able to see her vividly and even talk to her. Sometimes she's hiding, sometimes she's drained with inertia. Compared to talking down to myself in my brain out of habit, when I visualise, I instinctively would talk in a nurturing manner to her.
Slowly, I was able to get out of this rabbit hole. Once I recognise that my motivation was from fear, not from abundance and love, I started to not hold things so tightly. It didn't require hard discipline, carrots nor sticks. I didn't have to visit Judy, I just have to apply her teachings. Just by giving myself more moments to unwind, do nothing, and gain clarity, things started to flow more freely and naturally. I realise I don't have to chase after these external acknowledgements anymore. That was ineffective in satisfying my true needs. What I truly need is to be able to see myself, and feel connected with myself.
Previously, I didn't want to draw anymore, I don't see any meaning. It was terrifying. After allowing more rest, more time to reconnect with myself, and most importantly, to allow creating to become play again, I finally regained my excitement for creation. But its still a work in progress. The daily work of inner child conversations are still very important.
Even if it's just a good night and good morning, it pays to acknowledge this part of you. That you matter, you are seen, and you deserve to be loved.
Contented
I believe to be happy and contented, one needs to know your truest needs. To me, my life goal has always been "to be empowered". That means by healing wounds and overcoming conditionings that had always held me back or sabotaged myself to grow and bloom.
See you soon (:
Would love to talk more about innerworld, business and art in future blog posts. Till then, take care!