Is there ever a time that I’ll actually be fine fine? As much as I wanted to be a source of positivity, inspiration and encouragement, sometimes I feel that there’s no more goodness in me that I’m able to give. During those days, if I share that part of myself, I’ll only be burdening or affecting people negatively. And I feel very indebted and sometimes even pressured when someone take the effort to encourage and cheer me up, yet I have no strength in me to reply, even though encouragement and support is truly the love language that helps me. So even though sometimes I don’t reply (for a very long period), I am really encouraged and comforted by those messages to spur me on.
Then again, the rational side of me also thinks that no one is ever feeling ok all the time. That’s not what I expect to be anyway. But I do have periods where I have just enough work to do, not spread too thin, I feel happy and fulfilled in pushing myself but still regulated and stable enough emotionally. Times where I over-exert, eventually I find myself feeling very sad. Yet, time and again, I keep falling back to the same cycle and I don’t really know how to break out of it. I know that it’s probably because I couldn’t let go of my high self-expectations in performance and arbitrary performance indicators. I feel like I’m always split into two person. I know exactly what makes me happy (like sing with joy kind of happy) - which is to create freely, ample rest, and spaciousness in every sense. The other side of me comes out when I start to feel insecure - comparing with others and that propels me to work insanely hard, as well as when I feel pressured to make more revenue in order to feel abundant and safe. It really takes so much to take care of myself, it’s not just sufficient sleep, eat well and movement (even though when I’m wrapped up in work, I simply toss everything out of the window just to get this one more thing done), it is more so in protecting your head space and energy.
Anyway what happened recently was that for consecutive 1 week+ I think I worked 80 hours a week, including weekends. I was handling multiple projects. Because of how thinly spread I was, I became so frustrated when a client didn’t really have clear outlines and scope of what they need. I also couldn’t really visualize what is needed. It is a huge job, and they’re also constantly rushing me. I felt helpless. While we were aligned after, I felt that I was overcompensating by doing more so that I give them more than what’s needed to prevent the “just in case” they need to change things again. Unfortunately, another concurrent project that I was starting on also had huge overhauls yet it felt like it didn’t matter at all to the client. After finishing all the changes required, I ended up spending around 1.5 hours at 12.30am just to type an email to highlight the previous overhauls along the way and how we could work better to meet timelines, but then fed it into AI to make it sound more professional and polite. It hurts my mental health when my boundary is not respected, and I just have to speak up even though it realistically doesn't help the work partnership.
I’m also coordinating the logistics and marketing of previous client works that I’ve finished at the same time. I’m currently already 1 month 4 days post surgery today (1st oct), however, few days ago I think I over-exert. I thought that after 1 month I could perhaps try carrying heavier stuffs (even though not yet cleared by doctor). So yesterday and today, my wound started (for the first time since op) to have discharge, some moisture and some blood oozing out. My temperature is also rising, even though I don’t have fever yet. And generally just super tired since that day (it has been 2 days - and 2 days can mean a lot of precious time when you’re so packed with work to do). My recovery has been quite good because I think the surgery went very well, however, I’ve been jeopardizing the recovery myself. Once, it was when I had to go for a work event and constantly talk for 1hr+ - this is actually very doable pre-op but during then that was post op only 2 weeks after. That very day and few days after I crashed and I bled more. There’s also a few other days where I over-exert. Anyway the energy level difference was really different between week 2 and 3. I got most of my energy back, hence I have the stamina for 80 hours work week, but physical strain is still something that I still can’t do because I will be compensating for it for days after.
Another struggle I’m facing with is my doctor prescribed me hormonal medicine to keep endometriosis at bay. There’s quite a high chance of recurrence around 20% few years down the road, but the hormones can keep the chance to around 5%. I know I’m a very sensitive person so I asked for the most mild medicine possible. At first, the meds actually helped me a lot in the first 24 days. I was having a lot of nausea and dizziness first two weeks post op, probably because just low energy yet I still push myself to work, and also maybe this meds. However, third week onwards where I was really whacking work, I felt shielded from the stress and happy despite being exhausted - I suspect the meds is helping. However, 24 days later, there are 4 days of placebo. That’s when I went downhill and I didn’t connect the dots until later on. I started feeling very easily irritated, very sad. However, I was completely engrossed with work all my waking hours so in a way it kind of numbed me and I wasn’t being introspective or caring about how I felt. Then during yoga, the teacher remarked a few things which I felt extremely offended and unappreciated. That day, I ran errands (with quite heavy things) while I was on period. By the time I reached yoga, I was having very bad lower back pains and exhausted. Yet, the teacher made me feel like I’m still not trying hard enough - I was doing my best on the asanas when all I actually need was to lie down. I ended up being emotional uncontrollably - in that 1.5hrs of class, I sobbed so hard in the toilet for 1hr. And crying post op even though 4 weeks later, is still quite a toll on the body. I couldn’t crash after, I went home to work till early in the morning, and over the weekends. I kept listening to emo 2000s mandopop and just keep want to cry for no reason.
It’s such a tough few weeks. I think its easy to say and I would also tell myself sometimes just don’t take up so much jobs. But can you really walk away from opportunities? Sometimes when I take those opportunities up, I was feeling high energy and strong. Besides, its year end - our peak period, and I have so many things that I wanna do for inwarmregard.
I feel that I’m more an artist than a business owner. I think sometimes I make poor decisions especially by over-simplifying what is required to be done, then force myself to accomplish it anyway. Every time I’m in this state, I become very sad and feel things are meaningless, like I don’t know what I’m doing all these for. And I always go back to the same question, which is how I can find my way back. I quit my job, I overhaul my life, to do something I’m passionate about, to feel inspired, to be happy and to truly feel the aliveness and beauty of this world. I think I’ve sacrificed and worked very hard for this goal, yet I’ve gone off track many times. What I want is right there, I just want to create freely, explore the world and grow spiritually. Why is it so god damn hard?
I know everything is my frustration speaking, and I think it has to be felt and heard (by myself of course). I’m hoping that the hormones will help pick things up a little and whether I can skip the placebo without much side effects. I think I might also reduce the number of designs I wanna create this year end for inwarmregard, and also for next year, I think I’m gonna cut my financial goal by half. What is really the point to have so much money without happiness and your health? And I know that the other side of the coin is caused by insecurities and the insatiable hungry ghost in me (shared in previous post). In a perfect world, when I take good care of myself even with less money and lower performance, my body will take care of me - I don’t need extraordinary achievements to feel fulfilled and happy. Just sufficient is good enough.
Oh ya, also during this period post op, we viewed 15 apartments, bought a new resale flat, decided on house reno vibe, chose and paid for our ID, and is also in the midst of changing our hero product (tshirt) supplier. I actually love being capable, I feel empowered being able to handle so many things. And I know that there are ebbs and flows to my body and energy level that I have to listen to and be attuned to. So, here I go again, to recovery and rest, while I can.
And here’s a realistic view of what the tough weeks look like behind the scenes. I don’t want to sugar coat, or wait till I feel better before wording it.
Sometimes the best way to push forward is simply, kindness, softness and rest.